I know... (That's BS!)
I spent my holidays for the most part sleeping at night in a hospital room with my dad. My dad just concluded a 12 day stay suffering from pneumonia and RSV. My siblings and I took turns with coverage to make sure my dad was not alone (he is almost 90 years old with all his marbles yet has a tendency to get way down during his hospital stays, my mom (his Beloved) past away in 2015). I volunteered for the nightshift as in the past I find this shift the calmest and also the most needed time for my parents to know someone is with them in the dead of night when they awake alone, disoriented, scared, and helpless.
The hospital stay for my dad this time was a nightmare on many fronts: due to his age there is a lack of response by doctors to really tackle the problems with urgency let alone hope, my father presents himself at times as a noncompliant patient, and well as an almost 90 year old , 6’9' with 7 kids who are acutely aware of every cough, sniffle, and noise their fathers make, medical staff are not used to “Know It All Present” family members.
So it was a tough, sad, and very difficult time for my dad who will need a lot more time at home to recover not only physically but more so mentally and emotionally. He was so scared. He was so confused. And he was/is so angry because he doesn’t understand how he got so sick and why it took so long for the doctors to take care of him.
During my 8 nights lying in a most uncomfortable chair (DT Challenge), nurses and techs would come into my dad’s room at all hours of the night. Knocks on the door. Lights switched on. “Excuse me.” “Hello.” “Mr. Sharp I need to check your blood sugar.” X2 “Respiratory.” X2 “Time to check your vitals.” X3 “I need to give you some insulin.” X2 “I need to give you your medicine.” X2
Almost every time my dad was greeted with some version of “I’m sorry.” or “I know this is hard.” or the worst of them all, “I know.” in response to my dad who would cry out in pain, discomfort, frustration, anger.
I found myself repeatedly saying, “I know.” as well to my father as he would say aloud-
This is awful.
I don’t understand.
I’m so tired of this.
I’m miserable.
This bed is so uncomfortable.
The doctors don’t know what they are doing.
I could go on. Yet I continued to say, “I know.” and my dad just kept getting angrier. “You don’t know. You don’t know so stop saying that.” I replied a few times, “Dad, I am trying to let you know that I understand. That I am trying to empathize with you as I can only imagine how bad you feel as I feel terrible in this chair every night.” And you know what. It was bullshit. My dad called me out on it. I didn’t really know what he was going through but I kept trying to let him know that I did. I wanted to fill the air with something so he knew I was there, listening, and feeling his anguish. The nurses and techs kept filling the air with “I’m sorry” every time my dad uttered his discontent. And it never made him feel better or helped his situation. By the last few nights before we officially went to bed, I would tell the nurses and techs, “Just come into the room, don’t knock, don’t announce yourselves, don’t tell my dad every thing you are doing and giving him. Just do it as silently as you can because all he wants is for it to be done. No need for niceties.” My dad was over it and there was nothing anyone said that was going to make him feel better or reassure him (we all tried and 4 days since returning home from the hospital my dad is still very angry and dissatisfied with our answers to his why questions).
When it comes to needfinding and trying to gain understanding, I know that in the back of my mind I am not solely doing that. I am prepping for my next question, anticipating the path my user is going to take next, and listening for the uncovered rock to turn over for my eureka moment. I am thinking and at times saying, “I know.” After this experience with my dad, I realize filling the air with '“I know” is the worst thing I could have done to empathize with him in those moments of questioning, despair, and anger. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself and to this day, I don’t know what I could have said better…as my brain won’t let the air stay empty. Or is it my heart?
I wrote this post almost 2 weeks ago and have been reluctant to hit “publish”. I wonder if its because I typically do not write about personal personal stuff? Or more likely, these thoughts feel incomplete. I have been with my dad several times since he was discharged. He is so much better yet there are still many valleys to his recovery. The other night he was so sad and upset. I tried my hardest not to say “I know” as I listened to him. At one point, I told him it sucked. He said, “Exactly.” I told him that it is going to suck for awhile and that he is going to be sitting in the “suck” until he is not. I also told him that he was going to have to get down from his cross and start carrying my cross again because I needed him so much at this moment in my life… My dad said, “I know.”